Sometimes You Just Can’t Sleep

  • June,11th,2014 at 12:41 AM

Sometimes you just can’t sleep at night. It’s already late, but you’re not sleepy at all. You close your eyes, but you’re just wide awake. You try hard, even too hard, to get to sleep. Feeling frustrated, you finally get mad at yourself for not being able to fall asleep. You feel like you want to hit your head hard, just to make you asleep.

Eventually, everything fails. You just can’t sleep. The more you try to, the more you fail. You stare at the ceiling and wonder why you can’t sleep. Now, so much things going on in your mind, but you don’t know any of it.

In the end, you let yourself worry about tomorrow, and you can only count how many hours left until the morning sun finally cracks down.

12:34 am
— sleepless in (anywhere but) Seattle

Pintaku, Jangan Dulu Berjanji

  • June,8th,2014 at 9:47 AM

Pintaku, jangan dulu berjanji.
Jangan dulu mengucap janji yang sulit ditepati, seperti janji untuk tidak saling menyakiti.
Karena mungkin di sepanjang perjalanan mulai dari detik ini hingga sampai nanti, akan ada banyak rencana yang tidak sempat terpenuhi, dan janji lain yang khilaf diingkari.

Harapku, jangan dulu berjanji.
Cukuplah mengingatkan diri sendiri untuk tetap berjuang bersama, meski salah satu dari kita tersakiti, atau tanpa sengaja menyakiti.

Traffic Light Theories

  • May,16th,2014 at 10:16 PM

Aku melirik ke penghitung mundur yang berkedip menampilkan angka yang menunjukkan bahwa lampu merah masih akan menyala selama 120 detik lagi. Perempatan yang biasanya ramai oleh kendaraan, tampak sepi malam ini. Beberapa pengendara motor di depanku malah sudah menerobos lampu merah. Bahkan mobil yang tadi di sebelah kanan mobilku pun juga ikut menerobos.

"Kamu gak ikut jalan aja, menerobos lampu merah?", dia tiba-tiba bertanya memecahkan keheningan.

"Enggak lah. Kita kan gak buru-buru.", jawabku.

"Iya sih. Perihal berhenti saat lampu merah menyala di perempatan yang sepi itu kan masalah sejauh mana kita bisa berkomitmen untuk mematuhi peraturan."

"Hahaha… oke juga analogi kamu. Ini ngomongin relationship ya?"

"Analogi, atau metafor?", dia mencoba mengalihkan.

"Eh, jangan ngeles, jawab dong hehehe…", kataku, sedikit mendesak.

"Bisa jadi. Kan, saat lampu merah menyala kita bisa aja menerobos, tapi mana tahu di depan ada polisi siap menilang, atau kemungkinan terburuk, bisa tabrakan dengan pengendara dari arah lain. Kalau sudah begitu, siapa yang paling rugi? Kita juga kan. Kita juga yang ujung-ujungnya sakit dan menyesal, tahu begitu kan lebih baik menunggu lampu hijau menyala aja."

"Hmmm…hubungannya dengan relationship?"

"Seperti relationship. Sejauh mana kamu mau berkomitmen dalam suatu hubungan. Ada aturan-aturan yang tidak perlu didiskusikan, tapi sewajarnya dipatuhi. Seperti bisa menahan diri untuk tidak genit dan flirting sana-sini, apalagi selingkuh. Anggap saja janji dan komitmen itu sebagai lampu merahnya. Keputusan untuk berhenti atau melanggar lampu merah itu kan ada di kita. Kalau siap sakit dan menyakiti orang lain, ya silakan.", jawabnya panjang lebar.

"Hmmm… curhat? Ini bukan tentang kita kan?"

"Menurutmu? Kita kan not in a relationship."

"Sampai kapan?", aku bertanya sambil tetap menoleh ke arahnya.

Dia hanya melirikku dan tersenyum.

"Lampu hijau menyala.", jawabnya.

Aku mengalihkan pandanganku ke jalan, melirik sekilas ke lampu lalu lintas, dan kembali melaju.

The Day I Stop Writing

  • April,27th,2014 at 7:18 PM

Everybody must have their lowest point in life, and I guess I just had my turn. Maybe it was not that low, but it surely made me forget how to lift my head up high.

I felt so empty every day, right after I got up in the morning until I went to bed at night. I had no idea what to do when I had nothing else to be busy with. I turned to be that person who hated weekends, days-off, and free time. I just needed to be busy, for every minute I had. Loneliness had never felt that lonely.

I hated myself for thinking too much. I hated myself for being weak. I hated myself for, simply, being me.

One day when I was busy hating everything, suddenly someone came along telling me: “Life keeps moving on, and someday you’ll understand why something like this must happen to you, when it all has passed.”

I have been smiling ever since. I have reminded myself to be happier as well since that day. The day when a stranger became a reason to hold my head up high. The day when I finally decided to stop writing #EverydayOneLetter.


That April 20
— to the lifeless that’s back alive

Day 20 and Still

  • April,20th,2014 at 9:33 AM

It’s sad to see you walk away.
It’s even sadder to keep looking at that empty road after you’re really gone.
I can always pretend that I’m okay, but lying to myself hurts me more than I can take.

It’s sad to see you walk away.
Yet, nothing I can do but hoping to see this feeling to finally walk away too.
When? I don’t know.
I hold this feeling too strong and never want to let go.

It’s sad to see you walk away.
But if I have to spend the rest of the day by being sad, I don’t mind because you’re worth all my sadness.


April 19
— and missing you, like every day

Day 19 and Despair

  • April,19th,2014 at 8:46 PM

I’m tired.
Of everything.

I’m tired of being a desperate fool who continuously hopes for nothing.
Tired of reminding myself to accept the fact that I am nobody you never see like I always wish you would.
I’m tired of asking myself “What am I to you now?”.
But above all, I’m tired of trying to stop loving.

Can I just sleep and never wake up again?


April 18
— sleepless

Day 18 and Be Okay

  • April,19th,2014 at 5:42 PM

I’m okay.

I know I’ve made a mistake. A very big mistake that human race and the entire world could never forgive.

Of course I regret it now. But what can I do? I’m just human. I make mistakes, I say sorry, and I feel guilty for the rest of my life.

But I’ll be okay. Isn’t that what you want me to be?


April 17
— that damned okay

Day 17 and Cups of Tea

  • April,18th,2014 at 9:03 AM

I was having a cup of coffee, and hoping you’d give me a little more. You came along, but instead you had my cup of tea with you. I didn’t ask for more or another, and I just couldn’t. You gave me more than what I deserved.

Now, I’m having another cup of tea. An empty cup of hope. It’s all gone when you’re gone. But I drink it anyway. Meanwhile, Anna Kendrick on the radio is making fun of me with her song.

"When I’m gone, when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me by my hair
You’re gonna miss me everywhere, oh
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone”

I smile. I see you in my mind singing that song while playing with some empty cups. Yes, I miss you so badly.

I don’t think I still have another chance to love you this much anymore. But there will always be two cups of tea on my table, and one of them is for you.


April 16
— an empty cup of hope

Day 16 and The Silent Scream

  • April,17th,2014 at 11:57 PM

Sometimes you just can’t sleep at night no matter how hard you try. There’s so much going on inside your head, but you just don’t know what it is anymore. You run out of words to let go what’s on your mind, and all you do is only staring at the emptiness on the ceiling.

You breathe heavily, and deep inside you scream in silence.

You close your eyes, and you hate yourself for hurting you.

Then when you open your eyes, you wonder how much longer you will live like this.


April 15
— silent scream

Day 15 with Stupid

  • April,17th,2014 at 7:05 PM

There comes a time when you realize that someone you want to be with so bad, doesn’t want you as much. The time when you feel you’ve had enough. The time when you think you’ve done everything you could do.

Yet, it’s also the same time when you can’t stop yourself from hoping that maybe someday you will still have another chance.

And that’s exactly the time when love not only makes you blind, but makes you stupid too.

By the time finally comes, you can only wait for something uncertain, and sometimes that’s more than enough.


April 14
— lovefool

Day 14 — Everyday’s Last Battle

  • April,15th,2014 at 7:02 AM

Because you are worth my time, I don’t mind waiting. But there comes a point where I finally realize that I have no idea what I’m actually waiting for. And one day, in a cloudy morning, I wake up and try to smile. Then I whisper to myself, “I guess it is really over now, but maybe I can still hold on for one more day.”

In the end, I may seem like I’m giving up, not because I stop loving. But because I know no other way to prove how much I’m willing to fight.

I fight, and I try. Maybe I haven’t done my best, but sometimes it’s enough. And holding on for one more day is my last battle, every day.


April 13
— once a knight

Day 13 — Have You?

  • April,13th,2014 at 2:48 PM

"Have you ever felt alone, but at the same time you do not want to be with anyone?"

That’s what I have been feeling for these couple of weeks. The feeling I have tried to ignore. Avoiding people has seemed like a good idea, since faking a smile made me tired as hell.

I have been making silence as a habit, and loneliness as a new friend. No friend, and nobody really knows that this smile I have been wearing is only to make me look nicer. Because I know, nobody thinks a desperate person is attractive.

And I do not want to be that person.
But can I? You have taken my smile with you when you left.


April 12
— smileless

Day 12 — Lie I’m Living In

  • April,12th,2014 at 7:18 AM

I’m still learning to get used to waking up knowing you’re no longer there to hug.
I’m not doing it well, but I guess practicing has paid its price.
Because no matter how much I still miss you, now I can hold myself from texting you. For me, that’s an achievement.

So if today you see me like I don’t care anymore, it’s because I’m trying to stop hoping.
Hoping that my heart will never skip a beat anymore every time I see your name, your picture, and your face coming to my mind.

I have no idea how long I can survive this lie I’m living in.


April 11
— hopefully hopeless

Sebelas — Sebelah

  • April,10th,2014 at 10:41 PM


Aku merindukan hal-hal sederhana seperti menggenggam tanganmu saat kita menyeberangi jalan raya.

Atau saat kita menonton acara televisi tidak penting, kemudian diam-diam jemariku sempurna mengisi celah di antara jari-jari tanganmu.

Juga saat kita tanpa sadar bergandeng tangan sewaktu duduk bersisian di atas sofa di warung kopi.

Dan ketika kau yang sedang duduk menyambut uluran tanganku untuk kemudian kau pegang erat seraya kutarik hingga kau berdiri dan berakhir di pelukanku.

Aku merindukan hal-hal sederhana seperti itu, saat genggaman yang kudapat bukan sekadar jabat sebelah tangan.

Kenapa sekarang kita tak henti menepis sesuatu yang seharusnya kita genggam?


10 April
— sebelah tangan

Sepuluh — Tidak Pernah Jauh

  • April,9th,2014 at 8:23 AM

Aku kembali terjaga di hari yang berbeda, tetap dengan rasa yang sama seperti hari-hari saat menyampaikan apa yang kurasa padamu tidak serumit ini.

Meski kini mencintaimu tidak semudah dulu, dalam diam mengucap sayang tidak pernah kulewatkan.

Mengenangmu masih tidak sesulit mengendapkan harapan, hanya saja melupakanmu tetap kurasa susah.

Merindukanmu pun tidak pernah jauh dari selangkah menuju rumah, karena engkaulah pulang yang tak akan pernah aku pergi lagi.

Sejauh apapun kau bentang jarak, aku mendekat.


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WhateverLife
A random contradictory of a boring rerun and a cheap stripping series; full of lies and a little luck with a touch of a bittersweet secrets.
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