Day 20 and Still

  • April,20th,2014 at 9:33 AM

It’s sad to see you walk away.
It’s even sadder to keep looking at that empty road after you’re really gone.
I can always pretend that I’m okay, but lying to myself hurts me more than I can take.

It’s sad to see you walk away.
Yet, nothing I can do but hoping to see this feeling to finally walk away too.
When? I don’t know.
I hold this feeling too strong and never want to let go.

It’s sad to see you walk away.
But if I have to spend the rest of the day by being sad, I don’t mind because you’re worth all my sadness.


April 19
— and missing you, like every day

Day 19 and Despair

  • April,19th,2014 at 8:46 PM

I’m tired.
Of everything.

I’m tired of being a desperate fool who continuously hopes for nothing.
Tired of reminding myself to accept the fact that I am nobody you never see like I always wish you would.
I’m tired of asking myself “What am I to you now?”.
But above all, I’m tired of trying to stop loving.

Can I just sleep and never wake up again?


April 18
— sleepless

Day 18 and Be Okay

  • April,19th,2014 at 5:42 PM

I’m okay.

I know I’ve made a mistake. A very big mistake that human race and the entire world could never forgive.

Of course I regret it now. But what can I do? I’m just human. I make mistakes, I say sorry, and I feel guilty for the rest of my life.

But I’ll be okay. Isn’t that what you want me to be?


April 17
— that damned okay

Day 17 and Cups of Tea

  • April,18th,2014 at 9:03 AM

I was having a cup of coffee, and hoping you’d give me a little more. You came along, but instead you had my cup of tea with you. I didn’t ask for more or another, and I just couldn’t. You gave me more than what I deserved.

Now, I’m having another cup of tea. An empty cup of hope. It’s all gone when you’re gone. But I drink it anyway. Meanwhile, Anna Kendrick on the radio is making fun of me with her song.

"When I’m gone, when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
You’re gonna miss me by my hair
You’re gonna miss me everywhere, oh
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone”

I smile. I see you in my mind singing that song while playing with some empty cups. Yes, I miss you so badly.

I don’t think I still have another chance to love you this much anymore. But there will always be two cups of tea on my table, and one of them is for you.


April 16
— an empty cup of hope

Day 16 and The Silent Scream

  • April,17th,2014 at 11:57 PM

Sometimes you just can’t sleep at night no matter how hard you try. There’s so much going on inside your head, but you just don’t know what it is anymore. You run out of words to let go what’s on your mind, and all you do is only staring at the emptiness on the ceiling.

You breathe heavily, and deep inside you scream in silence.

You close your eyes, and you hate yourself for hurting you.

Then when you open your eyes, you wonder how much longer you will live like this.


April 15
— silent scream

Day 15 with Stupid

  • April,17th,2014 at 7:05 PM

There comes a time when you realize that someone you want to be with so bad, doesn’t want you as much. The time when you feel you’ve had enough. The time when you think you’ve done everything you could do.

Yet, it’s also the same time when you can’t stop yourself from hoping that maybe someday you will still have another chance.

And that’s exactly the time when love not only makes you blind, but makes you stupid too.

By the time finally comes, you can only wait for something uncertain, and sometimes that’s more than enough.


April 14
— lovefool

Day 14 — Everyday’s Last Battle

  • April,15th,2014 at 7:02 AM

Because you are worth my time, I don’t mind waiting. But there comes a point where I finally realize that I have no idea what I’m actually waiting for. And one day, in a cloudy morning, I wake up and try to smile. Then I whisper to myself, “I guess it is really over now, but maybe I can still hold on for one more day.”

In the end, I may seem like I’m giving up, not because I stop loving. But because I know no other way to prove how much I’m willing to fight.

I fight, and I try. Maybe I haven’t done my best, but sometimes it’s enough. And holding on for one more day is my last battle, every day.


April 13
— once a knight

Day 13 — Have You?

  • April,13th,2014 at 2:48 PM

"Have you ever felt alone, but at the same time you do not want to be with anyone?"

That’s what I have been feeling for these couple of weeks. The feeling I have tried to ignore. Avoiding people has seemed like a good idea, since faking a smile made me tired as hell.

I have been making silence as a habit, and loneliness as a new friend. No friend, and nobody really knows that this smile I have been wearing is only to make me look nicer. Because I know, nobody thinks a desperate person is attractive.

And I do not want to be that person.
But can I? You have taken my smile with you when you left.


April 12
— smileless

Day 12 — Lie I’m Living In

  • April,12th,2014 at 7:18 AM

I’m still learning to get used to waking up knowing you’re no longer there to hug.
I’m not doing it well, but I guess practicing has paid its price.
Because no matter how much I still miss you, now I can hold myself from texting you. For me, that’s an achievement.

So if today you see me like I don’t care anymore, it’s because I’m trying to stop hoping.
Hoping that my heart will never skip a beat anymore every time I see your name, your picture, and your face coming to my mind.

I have no idea how long I can survive this lie I’m living in.


April 11
— hopefully hopeless

Sebelas — Sebelah

  • April,10th,2014 at 10:41 PM


Aku merindukan hal-hal sederhana seperti menggenggam tanganmu saat kita menyeberangi jalan raya.

Atau saat kita menonton acara televisi tidak penting, kemudian diam-diam jemariku sempurna mengisi celah di antara jari-jari tanganmu.

Juga saat kita tanpa sadar bergandeng tangan sewaktu duduk bersisian di atas sofa di warung kopi.

Dan ketika kau yang sedang duduk menyambut uluran tanganku untuk kemudian kau pegang erat seraya kutarik hingga kau berdiri dan berakhir di pelukanku.

Aku merindukan hal-hal sederhana seperti itu, saat genggaman yang kudapat bukan sekadar jabat sebelah tangan.

Kenapa sekarang kita tak henti menepis sesuatu yang seharusnya kita genggam?


10 April
— sebelah tangan

Sepuluh — Tidak Pernah Jauh

  • April,9th,2014 at 8:23 AM

Aku kembali terjaga di hari yang berbeda, tetap dengan rasa yang sama seperti hari-hari saat menyampaikan apa yang kurasa padamu tidak serumit ini.

Meski kini mencintaimu tidak semudah dulu, dalam diam mengucap sayang tidak pernah kulewatkan.

Mengenangmu masih tidak sesulit mengendapkan harapan, hanya saja melupakanmu tetap kurasa susah.

Merindukanmu pun tidak pernah jauh dari selangkah menuju rumah, karena engkaulah pulang yang tak akan pernah aku pergi lagi.

Sejauh apapun kau bentang jarak, aku mendekat.


Sembilan di Bulan Keempat
— untuk yang selalu jadi kesayangan

Day 9 — Something Right

  • April,9th,2014 at 5:50 AM

There will never be enough words to describe how much love I actually have inside my heart.
Too much that sometimes I think it’s wrong.

But there’s nothing wrong about something right, right?
All I feel is, that it feels so right, even if you left.


April 8
— to my baby

Day 8 — The Game

  • April,7th,2014 at 9:57 PM

This little game of love we play is now becoming the waiting game.
Waiting for who’s going to fall first, waiting for who’s going to hurt first, and waiting for who’s going to leave first.

I win. Only to lose.

Day Seven — Seven Days

  • April,6th,2014 at 9:50 PM

It’s been a week.

Seven days of struggling and surviving.
Seven days of trying to start a new beginning without really knowing the end.
Seven days of desperation, frustration, and expectation.
Seven days since you asked me to leave and stop fighting.

Does a week make a change? It probably does.
So far, I’ve learned to live without hoping when I’m not missing you.
And when I’m missing you, I just breathe.
It gets harder everyday, but it works.

I know you’re not mine.
But you’re my reason.
My reason to believe that no matter how hard I try to stop myself from loving, I have no other way than to let it grow.

Starts right from the moment I wake up in the morning, until I close my eyes at night.
Every day.

It’s been seven days.
And for every day, one letter.


— April 6

Day 6 — Like We Wish

  • April,5th,2014 at 5:56 PM

I guess loving is one way to accept why things do not go like the way we expect them to be.

If we are not in love, we will probably just ignore. We do not even care to accept and let go. But we are in love, that’s why no matter how disappointed we get because of the rejection, we always try to find the way to believe that we cannot always have what we want.

Sadly, the ones we love do not always see that way like we wish they would.


— April 5

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WhateverLife
A random contradictory of a boring rerun and a cheap stripping series; full of lies and a little luck with a touch of a bittersweet secrets.
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